Heretic in Maine Excommunicated
Waterville, Maine - Another heretic was excommunicated in Maine this month, this time in Waterville. This brings the number of excommunications in 1997 to eight, leaving twelve heretics still on excommunication row.
The Papal League of Maine, spearheading a traditionalist Catholic movement centered in Augusta, endorsed the excommunication. "From what I've heard," commented Alfred Hubinger, "this man was defiling the Catholic Church in all sorts of ways. Appearantly, he took up a street corner in the downtown area and began to publicly question the teachings of Christ."
This man, whose identity Churh officials have kept secret, was allowed to speak with a National Rifle Association Christian Bible Choir reporter. "I'm a patriot, you see," the man said, "and these Jesus folks are not. I was just exerting my First Ammendment rights by asking individuals valid questions about the Catholic tradition. So I ask some kid, 'Do you think that if Jesus were shot, there would be guns hanging in Churches today instead of crosses?' The kid begins to cry and runs home. Next thing I know, the kid's mom comes after me with a whole mob of priests or something, and they're here to tell me I'm going to Hell. What's new? Those bastards are always goin around tellin people to go to Hell. I'm not worried."
The man was also cited for violating the Sanctity of Life by endorsing pro-choice views on abortion, and is currently being investigated for homosexual tendencies. Timothy Ellerton, a member of the Colby College Newman Council, said of the incident: "I'm glad this man has quickly been shown the way of the Lord. His violations against Jesus Christ are appalling."
Prior to the man's excommunication, the Parish Priest Father Roberts and a group of concerned citizens hosted a dinner for the man. Their aim was to, over dinner, convince the man of his wrong-doings. When offered the honor of saying gace, the man said, "Yeah, thanks for the dinner, in the name of daddy, junior, and spook." He was excomunicated shortly thereafter.