Springfield, Ohio. In a press conference on the future plans for the Christian Coalition, Christian Coalition president Pat Robertson condemned the organization's former executive director Ralph Reed as "a traitor and a heathen."

"Ralph Reed left this organization and in doing so he denounced his Christian faith," Pat Robertson declared. "Ralph Reed denounced his loyalty to me, to the Christian majority, and to the American Public who have relied on him for the family-oriented and anti-homosexual guidance they have needed to make sense of life in a morally deteriorating nation."

Mr. Robertson continued to bemoan the organization's loss of Ralph Reed. "This treacherous act must not go unpunished." Pat Robertson continued to outline his plan for retribution: "Ralph Reed now moves to the top of my list."

This list to which Mr. Robertson refers is his political assassination hitlist. "When I'm elected President of the United States of America is converted into an authoritarian Christian theocracy, Ralph Reed will be the first opponent removed from the spotlight."

After elucidating his plans to eliminate political opponents, Mr. Robertson proceeded to declare himself Jesus Christ and to describe his relationship to God, the Father Almighty. "I am Jesus Christ and what I say goes. Any of you don't like what I have to say, well, I carry some weight with the big guy and I can arrange a 'misdirection' of your soul." The crowed, elated by this confirmation of a previous announcement regarding Mr. Robertson's relation to God, began to chant angry cries at Ralph Reed.

"This is totally absurd," Mr. Reed commented after the rally. "Mr. Robertson has been feeling ill lately; I've been in constant touch with him and I'm positive that this announcement is resultant from a side-effect to a medication Mr. Robertson is currently taking for sleep difficulties."