Unitarian Spotted on Main Street
Sandown, NH - This weekend, residents of Sandown, New Hampshire, spotted a Unitarian on the corner of Main Street and Depot Road. "The beast wore a leather jacket," said Eric Matheson, area resident, "and, this man wore an earring. He was dressed such that I've never seen a man before. Leather jacket, an earring, canvas shoes -- untied, mind you -- and blue jeans with holes in them. It was quite frightening."
"I called the police immediately," Nancy Thomas said, who was locked in her house for an hour, fearing the Unitarian would return.
Mike Harris, Sandown Police Chief, arrived shortly after being called to the scene. "When I arrived, the individual had left. I got there as fast as possible; from the description of the character, it was immediately apparent that we were dealing with one of those new-age Unitarians. You see, we're Lutherans over here, and when one of those Unitarians from the city come by, you can spot them immediately. We picked up one about a year ago; this last one caused quite a stir."
A suspect matching the description of the Unitarian was pickup up farther along Depot Road by Chief Harris. "I asked him what he was doing, and he told me he was on a spiritual quest. My suspicions were immediately confirmed. I asked him why he had stopped on the corner several yards back, and he told me that 'it was against the Tao to continue,' whatever that means. Anyhow, I 'cuffed him and tossed him into the back of the car, and drove him back to the station house."
A public hearing for the Unitarian will be held in two weeks, where the Unitarian's sins will be assessed. Immediately following the hearing, the Unitarian will be publicly excommunicated and put to work sorting sheet music for the Sandown chapter of the National Rifle Association Christian Bible Choir. Betty Harris, Chief Harris's wife of twenty-two years, was thrilled to hear that the Sandown Church would be receiving a new aide for their chapter of the National Rifle Association Christian Bible Choir. "We've been looking for some time for somebody to sort through our archive of sheet music. However, most folks here aren't really qualified. Most Unitarians are mathematical types, you know, and we're hoping this one will have good organizational skills."
The Unitarian, held at the Sandown Police Station, was unable to be reached for comment.